I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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