It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
