Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
