first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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