halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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