He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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