True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
