Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
