Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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