My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
