I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
