I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You made out with two different species that night
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
