Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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