I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
