I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
