Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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