Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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