we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
