I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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