Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
