I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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