my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
