How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
