Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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