ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
