We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
