Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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