and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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