I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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