The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
