just come out here and I will go home with you...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
