everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
