I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
