i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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