I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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