Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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