At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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