dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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