Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
