I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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