I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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