did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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