There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
