Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
