Your face is a jimmy john
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
