I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
