tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
