Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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