I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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