My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
